The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
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When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
In case you needed to hear it:
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.