feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
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Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
this is so top tier i cant
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.