The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
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On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.