Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
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Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?