No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
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We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Good morning!
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.