We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.