The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.