Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
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To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Two types of dogs.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.