a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
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It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.