I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
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How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
*jingles half the way*
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.