I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
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Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.