My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
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DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Ummm
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife