[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
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I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…