When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
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I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
…żyje?