Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
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I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I beg your pardon?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.