How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
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This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies