Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
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FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
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my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.