i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
You Might Also Like
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.