Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
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[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?