Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
You Might Also Like
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed