I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
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Money is the root of all wealth
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I enjoy a good short stor
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.