The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
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My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Pretty certain I can more drunk
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.