Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
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Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
How to draw a duck
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me: