Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
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Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.