I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
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Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
choose your fighter
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???