No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
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Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.