What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
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they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Software Development ⛵️
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.