I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
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Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”