We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
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Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”