The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
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[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Just how popey was the pope today?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????