Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
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i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
A double negative is a big no-no.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …