“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
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Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I want what they have
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.