I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
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Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Very good news from my accountant
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Huge, if true.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check