*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently