when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
You Might Also Like
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Damn what did I do next
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”