Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
When you’re Kinky but poor
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.