CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
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All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”