Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
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[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?