Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
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Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.