When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
every single time
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.