The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
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[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
From Facebook just now…
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.