“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
You Might Also Like
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
all that yoga finally paid off
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm