I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
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Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Admin smashed it 😂
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.