I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.