You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
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I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.