me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
You Might Also Like
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week