When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
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I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut