AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
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“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Lmao
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.