Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
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She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I thought this was funny lol
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]