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My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.